


Broken

by angel_authoress



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x06 fic, Depressed Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fluff, Episode: s11e06 Our Little World, M/M, episode fic, ptsd mention, the talk that SHOULD have happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5206778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_authoress/pseuds/angel_authoress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Metatron was right, Dean." Castiel says after a moment of comfortable silence. "I'm broken." </p>
<p>My version of the talk that Dean and Cas were supposed to have in the latest episode, but never did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Let me just start by saying that I wasn't really pleased with the new episode. The only thing I was happy with was the cage references and the implication that Lucifer or Michael could be returning. I was not happy with the fact that Dean and Cas' talk got cut out of the episode. It could have really helped their relationship and without it, the episode didn't really make much sense so I was kinda confused.
> 
> Anyway, this is just how I think it should have went. Hopefully you all enjoy. :)

If he were to make a list of all of the things that he sucked at, apologizing would definitely be close to the top. He wasn’t good with words- half the time he hardly meant what he said to people. He could never quite find the right thing to say, and in some way or another that always seemed to dramatically impact his relationships with people.

Sam knew it firsthand. But he could always see right through Dean. He knew what he was trying to say every time, and he truly was grateful that his younger brother had this ability. He didn’t know what he would do if not even his own brother could understand him. Bobby knew it too. He could read Dean Winchester like an open book, from cover-to-cover. Hell, Dean could even say that Bobby knew him better than he knew himself. It was times like this that he wished he still had the older hunter around. But it seemed like the other people that he cared about didn’t have this ability. Lisa and Ben never did; yet it was only part of the reason that trying to live a normal life just didn’t work for him. Benny, Charlie, and Kevin never did either. None of them ever got the chance. (And in some weird way, Dean was glad that they weren’t around long enough to be hurt by him. But either way, they were all hurt anyway. It was his fault that they were dead)

And Cas? Well, that right there was his whole problem.

It was rare for Cas to ever ask for a damn thing from Dean. And he’s never asked for an apology for any of what has happened between them. But Dean can tell; Cas has been waiting for this just as long as he has. But because he was Cas, he wouldn’t ever ask for it. Demanding apologies was not in his nature. But he sure as hell deserved one. And that was of course what was causing his current dilemma. And _of course_ , knowing Cas, as soon as he would apologize, he would apologize back. He would consider himself unworthy of Dean’s apology and apologize for all of their old arguments and past betrayals. Put the blame all on himself, as per usual. Quite frankly, Dean was sick of it.

Dean can see that Castiel is broken. Shattered. Everyone can. Sam, Metatron, Crowley-and most of the other angels. The angel has been stripped of his grace more than once, endured seemingly endless suffering- and for what? To be beaten to the brink of death by the very man he was trying to protect? It’s these thoughts, and so much more, that has brought him to the door of Cas’ room. They had gotten into yet another fight. Cas could’ve killed Metatron. And he didn’t! He let the bastard live. But, then again, who was Dean to talk? He had just let the _Darkness_ live after he had the perfect opportunity to kill her.

Dean shakes his head to rid himself of thoughts of the growing Amara. He raises his fist to the door, but hesitates. He hadn’t even thought about what he was going to say. He hadn’t exactly planned out the perfect apology in his head. He sighs in frustration. What could he say? _Hey Cas, look man, I want to apologize for you know, beating you to death. No hard feelings, right?_ Dean chuckles at how absurd that sounds. But of course, if Dean were to give Cas some lame ass apology like that, he would accept it and say something like “no need to apologize, Dean. You were under the influence of the Mark”. And then he’d smile kindly and tell Dean not to worry.

Dean takes a breath to calm his sudden racing heart. He can do this. It’s just an apology, right?

Just an apology. Right.

Dean knocks quietly on the door. He can hear a bit of shuffling from inside the room, and seconds later the door opens to reveal a very homey-looking Castiel. He has discarded his jacket and trench-coat, leaving him with his dress shirt and dress pants, and a gray blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He definitely looks a little pissed- but he has every right to be. After all, they just fought over something completely… _stupid_. But Dean can see the way his eyes brighten, almost as though he has a small bit of hope for something more than their usual conversations. (Or in this case, argument) “Hey there, Cas. Mind if I come in?”

Cas blinks and furrows his brow, but nods and steps to the side to let Dean enter. As Dean observes his room, he shuts the door and pauses his latest episode of _Game of Thrones._ Cas pulls the blanket tighter over his shoulders. “What is it Dean?” His tone implies that he’s clearly exasperated, but genuinely curious. Dean wasn’t exactly known for knocking on people’s doors to have late-night conversations with them.

Dean swallows nervously. He can feel himself start to perspire as he sits himself on Cas’ bed. “Well uh, there’s a few things I wanna talk to you about, if you have a minute.”

Cas is definitely interested now. He sits down right next to Dean, and at this point, Dean doesn’t even mind the personal space issue that Cas _still_ has (oddly enough, he seems to only have this issue around him). He’s just accepted that that was part of Cas and, truthfully, he didn’t mind it as much anymore. He decides to start with one of the most prominent questions on his mind. Although it probably was not the best way to start off his apology. “Why’d you let Metatron escape?”

Castiel practically gapes at Dean. He stares at him with wide eyes and gives him a near-exact replica of Sam’s bitchface. He doesn’t speak, for the sheer _audacity_ of Dean Winchester has sent him into a stunned silence.

“D-Dean, I-“

“You had the perfect opportunity to kill him right then and there!” Dean continues before he even realizes what’s coming out of his mouth. _“Shit, no,”_   he curses himself as he sees Castiel’s expression drop, _“damn it, I didn’t mean-“_

But instead of looking away shamefully or even attempting to defend his actions, Cas glares back at Dean with an almost frightening intensity. “You have absolutely no right to say that to me, Dean! You let Amara, the _Darkness_ , leave without a scratch! And you have the… the _nerve_ to be angry with me for letting _Metatron, a human_ , walk away?!”

Dean is definitely taken aback by Castiel’s sudden outburst. He can see that the angel is clearly upset. His eyes are wide; Dean could see his grace swirling in their blue depths. Cas hardly ever lost his temper and it was strange to hear him yelling so angrily. But still, Dean does not relent. He defends his claim, even if it might earn him a right hook to the jaw or a slap to the mouth judging by how angry Cas looked. “So what?! Metatron killed me at one point! Hell, if he hadn’t killed me I wouldn’t have turned into a demon!”

In a second, Dean is pinned against the wall. Castiel’s hand is fisted tightly in his shirt, holding Dean down as if he is weightless. “ _You_ did that to _yourself!_ It’s true that Metatron killed you, but if you didn’t have the Mark, you would have truly died. And not only that, but _you gave yourself_ the Mark!”

“And what the hell was I supposed to do, huh Cas?! Let that bitch Abbadon live?! She was a Knight of Hell, remember?! I didn’t care what happened to me! I had no other choice-“

Castiel shoves him hard against the wall again. _**“You did have a choice!”**_ he shouts, and Dean swears that the room shakes with Castiel’s fury. _**“There is always a choice!”**   _he continues. He softens his voice for fear of the room caving in around them. “You were the one who taught me that, Dean. That there is always a choice.”

Dean is silent for a moment before quietly muttering “If that’s true, then why did you never see that in the past? How come whenever we needed you, you abandoned us for one of your own? You even left us for the King of Hell!”

Castiel’s voice shakes as he tries to keep from having another outburst. “I’ve made mistakes, Dean, and through those mistakes I’ve learned the true meaning behind everything that you and Sam have taught me. Everything that I’ve done to you haunts me day and night." Cas leans in closer to Dean, and Dean feels like he can finally see the depth of the angel's suffering. "Do you know how torturous it is to lie awake in the dead of night, unable to dream, and be harassed by vision upon vision of the two of us hurting each other?! It kills me, Dean. Why do you think I’ve stayed in here for the past month?! Because I… I can’t…” Cas feels tears blurring his vision. He tries to blink them away, but they’re salty and burning hot; spilling out of the corners of his eyes as he averts Dean’s gaze. He releases Dean and backs up to the edge of his bed, using his sleeve to wipe away tears.

“Hey, Cas, look- it’s okay.” Dean says as he walks over to sit beside Cas.

“It’s not, Dean, I- you’re right. After I’ve hurt you so many times… how can I-“

“Hey, it’s alright, okay? Why didn’t you tell me that you were… that you were having flashbacks? That staying in here was your way of coping with it all?”

Cas rubs his bleary eyes once more. “I thought that… that I had to deal with it on my own. I couldn’t burden you with this, not after what you were going through.”

Dean shakes his head. “Cas, look man, you’re here now, okay? And you don’t have to feel like a burden. You’re… you’re _family_ , man, you’re even _more_ than that now, and I… you don’t have to deal with shit like this alone, okay? If you need us, we’re always here.”

Cas’ expression brightens ever so slightly as he nods. Dean suddenly feels nervous again. He begins to fidget awkwardly as he speaks. Damn he hates chick-flick moments. “Look, Cas, uh… I just wanted to say that… I’m sorry.”

Cas’ eyes widen to the size of saucers as he looks up at Dean. He waits patiently to hear what Dean has to say, his heart pounding a mile a minute. “And not just for Metatron, but… everything. I’ve said things… did things… that I really regret. I’m sorry, man. I turned my back on you when you needed me, and I-“

And just like he predicted, Cas interrupts him to pin the blame on himself. “Dean, I should be apologizing. I’m the one that has betrayed you so many times. I’m the one who has always turned my back on you. I’m the one that didn’t trust you when I should have. I’m the one that… I’m…” And suddenly, Cas can’t find his breath to continue speaking, and he gasps, desperately trying to take in air as more tears begin to brim in his eyes. Dean is quick to pull the angel close to him, his previous matter of personal space now lost to the past.

“Cas? Hey, Cas! You’re okay. I’ve got you; you’re alright.”

Cas settles down once more. His breathing slowly begins to even out, but for some reason, the tears won’t stop flowing. A part of him hates to cry so freely in front of him. He’s the one that should be strong for Dean.

But he’s not strong. He’s never been strong.

For a while, they’re silent. Occasionally Dean would stroke Cas’ back, and Cas would return the affection by running his fingers over the top of Dean's hand. They remained in their intimate position; Dean holding Cas against his side. Cas moves his head closer to Dean’s neck, and Dean could feel his cheeks flush at the sudden contact. The two broken souls were only left with each other. There was an emptiness that both of them felt, but neither of them could heal. Not even Castiel, who could usually heal anything with a simple touch. The two of them know it, too. That all that he, Dean, and even Sam have, is each other. There's nothing else to hold onto anymore.

“Metatron was right, Dean.” Castiel says after a moment of comfortable silence. “I’m broken.”

Dean clutches Cas a little bit tighter. “So what?” he retorts. “We’re all broken. The 3 of us; we’re all messed up in one way or another. You fit right in.”

A small smile spreads on Cas’ face as he leans into Dean. “Thank you. And for what it’s worth, Dean, I forgive you.”

A small gasp escapes Dean as he mirrors Cas’ smile, tears starting to form ever so slowly in his own eyes. “It means a lot, Cas. And I… I forgive you too. For everything.”

Cas’ small smile stretches into a grin as he places his hand atop Dean’s. Neither of them say anything more; and after a moment Cas hits play on _Game of Thrones_. Dean scoots back onto Cas’ bed, motioning for Cas to follow. He rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, and soon enough the two of them are enraptured in the episode, and as it goes on Cas explains what Dean has missed since it had been a while. The last time Dean had watched was with Charlie.

“You’re kidding me! It ends there?!” Dean whines, groaning afterwards as the credits roll.

Cas's eyes light up with amusement. “We have all night. We can watch as much as you want.”

As the next episode finally begins to play, Dean’s eyes drift over to Cas. The television’s soft glow enlightens his facial features as he watches intently. Who would have ever thought? Castiel, angel of the Lord, laying next to him in bed? It was crazy enough that another man was beside him. But for some reason, Dean can’t really bring himself to feel even slightly uncomfortable. With Cas, it doesn’t feel strange.

It actually feels rather nice.

He likes this. He really does. He likes being able to lay in bed with someone else on the other side. He likes that the other person is Cas.

He just likes Cas. Everything about him.

A large, dumb grin breaks out across his face. “Cas?”

“Yes Dean?”

“I like you.”

Cas chuckles. “I like you too, Dean.”


End file.
